Gifts for plumbers

If it leaks, I wasn't here. If it doesn't, you're welcome

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It was working when I left

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That'll be a big job, that

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Quote's free. Advice is forty quid an hour

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Yes I've got a van. No I can't help you move

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It's not a bodge. It's a bespoke solution

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Measure twice. Swear once

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I've seen your gutters

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Yes I can see in. No I'm not looking

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No, I can't "just have a quick look"

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Tea. Two sugars. Then we'll talk

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I've seen worse. Not much worse

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Started at seven. Still here

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It's not a gap. It's a shadow line

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Turn it off and on again. I'm a professional

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Powered by tea and poor decisions

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I don't have a favourite chisel. (I do.)

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Some people call it dust. I call it job security

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Two minutes is a unit of time I do not recognise

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The ladder is not a toy. It's an office

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Rain stops play. Every time

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Yes it's level. Your house isn't

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I charge by the hour. Standing there counts

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Nice house. Shame about the wiring

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No, I can't fit you in before Christmas

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All I want for Christmas is my invoice paid

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Elf and safety

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Ho ho ho. That'll be double time

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Santa's got one delivery. I've got forty

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Back in the new year. Probably

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Deck the halls. Charge for the ladder

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